citynet | text; un: armand

( The pause that follows is distinctly uncomfortable. )

I never learned how to do it. I don't think I have the self-control to stop in time.

True. it is something I came to with age, with persistence.

[ His nails tap at the screen as he considers pushing this further - the whole situation of their options for feeding sitting uncomfortably around Armand like an ill fitting shirt. ]

It.. could come to you also. Your aversion to the kill, in this instance, is a strength. it simply must out weigh the hunger.

Edited 2023-09-16 17:33 (UTC)

If my aversion to the kill were truly a strength, shouldn't that resistance have come to me naturally by now? I take no pleasure in the hunt. Only that final moment gives me any satisfaction at all.

How did you learn to do it?

[ Armand considers his many, many misadventures learning this skill with his Master. He was so hasty and hungry in those days, as hazy as they are too him now, but he remembers the craving to chase the death, still does - only with Daniel had he truly perfected his control, out of pure need and necessity - they feed not so dissimilarly.

Strange.. he's never shared that with Louis, never was there the opportunity - so much silence in those years...

He physically shakes the thought away, banishing it, focuses on the thread of love his has for this vampire still and puts something of the thought in order. ]

Affection. First my Master, then human company I kept have been dear to me enough to tame the hunger. After that, it becomes easier to perform the little drink on those unknown to you.

( If Louis was uncomfortable before, now he's actually unhappy. He stares at the message for nearly a minute, reading it over and over again, a heavy weight settling in the pit of his stomach. )

I see.

That may present some difficulties.

How so? Your own sire is here now - it is a skill that can be perfected in this way also - one more powerful than yourself, who's heart can win out against your own. The connection brings down the veil, you know? My Master could pull me from drinking too deeply in this way too.

[ Armand frowns, still wildly furious that Lestat neglected Louis' education in such a way. To feed, to drink, in all it's capacities, had been Daniel's most immediate lessons. Little over a month together and he was already proficient, yet 65 years and Louis still struggles like an eternal fledgling.. ]

Failing that, any Vampire - none of our kind would let you overpower them to the brink - I can teach you. If you've a mind to pursue it.

[ It's typed up and sent before he even thinks about, it, though it comes as a surprise even to Armand. Well, it's said now and he's not lying, he would offer Louis anything. ]

We never did anything like that when I was a fledgling. I didn't even know that such a thing was possible then. He had his reasons for keeping what he kept from me, and I've forgiven him for it. But after what Akasha did to him...

His blood is so much more powerful now, Armand. Far more potent than yours, and you know how much your strength exceeds my own.

[ Armand rolls his eyes. 'Had his reasons' yes indeed, the reasons being that Lestat had no idea what he was doing with any of his fledglings - the vampire equivalent of letting off fireworks in a basement and seeing what happens. Idiota. ]

We are greatly diminished here, all three and it is called the little drink for a reason.

[ He pauses, considers what he is about to type, but forges on, yes he can offer this much, though he doubts it will be well received. ]

But if Lestat's god mixed blood frightens you, then drink from me.

( Louis has never been asked so directly, and after three months without a drop of living blood, the thirst is sudden and sharp. And he remembers how badly he'd wanted to drink from Lestat the first night he'd arrived, how he'd been nearly ravenous with it, and the thought the thought that he might never, ever have him in that way feels like a knife between his ribs. )

Armand...

Thank you. I know it's no small thing for you to offer. I must sound like a petulant child, and I would not blame you if you think me a fool for denying you. I'm certain I am.

After all, Lestat can drink from anyone he pleases. I have no doubt he's fed since he arrived. It isn't as if that bond is something sacred, is it? So why, then, does it feel like I'm grieving?

[ It hurts. He hoped it wouldn't after the silence, after all this time - will he ever pay penance enough for his actions? perhaps not, though there is eternity to find out - so he will not soften this blow then. Armand has nothing to lose, but Louis has everything to gain.

He closes his eyes, thinks of his Marius newly returned to him, of his beloved Daniel and begins to type. ]

Almost without exception, those of us that last to live the centuries were made out of love. Not always purely so, but our creators found something to love in us, something they wanted to last forever. it is natural to want that connection with our sires, with other Vampires, we are the only things that persist in this or any world.

You will live on, because that is your way, Louis and with time you will become as I am, become as we all are, eventually - this thing that you cling to will not last - so what difference does it make? Now, 100 years from now, yet you would deny yourself one of the few pure joys we have, grieve it for no reason other than your own denial, because god forbid you be happy.

[ Reader, this is no longer about the little drink. Well it is, but it's also about so much more and Armand has the wild, furious thought that he is about to burn a bridge to ruin - but he's learned so much these past years and lost everything but the lessons with coming to this place - and Louis will hear him, regardless of the outcome. ]

What is it you said to me in the graveyard? "if there is any joy to be found in this place, any meaning at all for us beyond mere survival, we must seek for it in each other."

And you are right. Because out of us three I am the least mortal, I always have been, I am a deranged creature. But I have spent over a decade living as a mortal does, experiencing everything in the ways only we as Vampires can and I tell you, what you seek is possible, that connection to your mortal soul - regardless of how the dark trick changes your body - but it will not be found while you are pilloried and self flagellating.

Edited 2023-09-17 07:46 (UTC)

( It feels like a slap in the way that much-needed advice always does, and Louis burns with indignation and no small amount of embarrassment. It makes his problems sound so small and insignificant, and Louis wants to resist it for no other reason than that — it can't be that simple, or this truly is nothing more than a self-inflicted punishment.

He strongly considers not responding at all and simply going off to lick his wounds in private. But he reads, and rereads, and finally picks up his phone and calls. His voice is clipped, his small amount of pride clearly wounded, but he cares for Armand, and he doesn't actually want to push him away. )

You've changed so much since we parted ways. Some night, will you tell me what happened to you?

[ Armand is staring so intently at his phone that he jumps as the ring tone sounds in the quiet of his apartment. He see's Louis' name, holding the device at arms length and frowning at it - undecided.
There's a very good chance that this could be Lestat ready to visit his misplaced wrath down upon Armand's head or actually Louis set to do that same thing. His mind flashes back to those last moments on the hill, under the stars, their time together sounding it's death knell and he hesitates. That strange hurt twists under his ribs for a moment before he finally hits the answer button and brings the phone to his ear as if it will bite him. ]

I was finally given the opportunity to live - no more, no less. I always saw him as a gift from you, you know? - entirely undeserved of course - but thank you, regardless.

[ His voice is it's usual calm monotone, until the end - Armand's tone thickens around the 'thank you' and he feels tears flood his vision, as he is suddenly drowned with the feeling of missing someone he may never see again. Three months...Armand will be lucky if he see's out the week. ]

( Louis hears the strange turn in Armand's voice at the end, and for the first time, Louis truly realizes how much Armand's fledgling must mean to him. He feels an answering sympathetic tightening in his throat, and it takes a moment for him to respond. )

Armand...

( A heavy sigh. )

I never meant to bring him into this. It was an entirely selfish act, baring my soul to him with no thought at all for what it would do to him. I didn't even think to search for him afterward... to see whether he survived the day.

( A pensive pause. )

He makes you happy?

[ That same muddied tone, his accent loud and distinct to even his own ears. ]

I thank god every day that you did--

[ Armand stares at the kitchen cabinets, unseeing, alone in this little space, as reddish tears begin to slip down his cheeks. He's remembering the time before this, the weight of Daniel's arm around his shoulders, the slow beat of his immortal heart under his ear as the subway car rocks them with it's motion. The knowledge that the coven is back on their island, in their villa, that the night sprawls before them, endless and for once, all the insecurity, all the strange guilt and doubt that plagues him, does not exist - he is happy. ]

Yes.

Then I don't regret it. And I hope he finds you again.

He was newly-made, wasn't he, at the concert? But you spent a decade together?

Yes. So new, so dazzled and amused by it all.

He- He sought out Lestat, you all but painted a target on his resting place you know? But he found me instead.

[ It's all said through the wavering quality of someone valiantly continuing to speak through tears, with the far off quality of recollection. Armand swallows hard. ]

I was a terror to him, in the beginning. Ruthless. Such a cruel game, but he excelled - fled with such abandon - until he was all I could think about, until he was everything. He wanted to blood so badly, he would suffer any indignation I could put him through, every experience to be shared, but that was alright - for a time..

[ He shudders in a breath and blinks, face awash with tears, shirt stained down his front, but Armand just lets them fall. ]

Love makes fools of us all and once more I was a fool for a man that I could not live without. In that manner he was made, against every oath in me, he was made from love..

And you spent a decade together like that?

( Louis speaks slowly, gently, astonished by the story and by the magnitude of Armand's feelings. He feels so helpless, wishing he could comfort him but at an utter loss for how to do it. )

I can't imagine what that must have been like. I was dying when Lestat made me. We never had the chance to know each other that way before I made my choice. I often wonder what it might have been like, had I understood what I was accepting, had I understood him...

All that to say... Ten years is a long time to know anyone, vampire or mortal. Your Daniel must love you very much.

I hope so.

[ He purses his lips around a sob, refusing to let it out. He's not even sure why he's telling Louis all this, but he's always been made a ruin by his feelings, so quick to tears now, as he was when mortal - another thing Daniel had pulled from him and not always kindly, but he feels blessed as much as cursed by it - and the words just tumble out. ]

It's always a damnable error, the making of another, love or no, we always come to hate our makers - you know this - and I fear it.

[ A shuddering breath. ]

I fear it from him like I've not feared anything in all my long life, because-- because I think it would kill me, Louis. It would and it is only death I fear as much.

But is that hatred inevitable? He chose you after all of that, didn't he? Oh, you know how few of our kind I've truly known, how much of our nature remains a mystery to me... but I just don't believe it has to be this way. I can't.

( He falters, doubt seeping into his passionate idealism. )

Perhaps this is nothing but more of my romantic ideals. But I do wish for your happiness, Armand.

[ He doesn't want it to be. Craves the security of Louis' romanticism, that Daniel of all people will be stubborn enough to break such a cycle. If only Armand could trust himself not to be the maker of their demise by the sheer threat of his nature, so often destructive of anything dear..

Still, he can cling to even the slimmest hope, so many things he has loved have been dragged away with claw marks in them after all. ]

I pray that you are right, Louis.. thank you.

[ He shudders through a deep breath. Blinks. Finally begins to come back to himself in some small way. ]

Ah, forgive my foolishness, won't you?

Please, Armand. There's nothing to forgive. I'm grateful that you told me all of this.

( Louis is quiet for a moment, hesitating rather obviously before he ventures: )

Would you like company tonight?

[ The answer is a resounding and heartfelt yes. Armand doesn't want to be alone, but he is hesitant to say this to Louis. To have company and not be able to crawl directly into their lap, to be held or demand the physical comfort he craves, would drive him to despair more than spending the night alone would.

It feels.. wrong to ask that of Louis. Armand would fall into his arms without a second thought, but their history perhaps precludes what would truly settle him tonight. Still, he hedges, because he is a creature full of an ache he can't control. ]

I fear I would be intolerable company to you - I've no regard for personal space when this mood takes me - and I would not pull you away from you prince, Louis..

[ It's not 'no', because he can't bring himself to utter the word and mean it. ]

( Louis lets out a breath, small and skeptical, unsure whether Armand is trying to get at something with that remark or if he's being entirely sincere. He settles doubtfully on the latter, though the beginning of their conversation does make him wonder. )

I am not the only thing in this city that fascinates him.

( And if Louis is being so circumspect about it, it's to avoid direct contact with his own peculiar and complicated feelings on the matter. No, it's good that Lestat isn't miserable here with only him for company, Louis is grateful for that. And what claim can he possibly stake on a man he spent so long resenting? A man whose blood he refuses to drink, the cruelest of rejections for their kind... )

I may not be able to give you every comfort you would seek. ( To put it delicately. Armand's appetites are nothing like his own, and that fact has nothing to do with anyone but Louis himself. ) But I would sit and talk with you, if you would have me...

[ Something vulnerable and raw crawls through him at Louis' tone, at his offer. He's slowly moving from his eerie stillness, shifting round on the stool he's perched on to regard the little living space at his back. Already there are small touches here and there of his own whims and tastes taking root, the abundance of candles being one of them and the low light is soothing. ]

..Alright. I-- I will send you the address.

[ His tone is hesitant, tired sounding, but Armand is making to stand at least, tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder to hug his elbows as he moves through the apartment with a mind to wash his face. ]

Thank you, Louis..

You're most welcome.

I'll be there soon.

( Louis pens a note explaining his whereabouts and that he intends to be back before dawn, and the moment Armand sends the address, he pulls on his boots and heads out the door.

Louis always travels at the speed of a mortal, and he feels an odd sense that he should give Armand privacy, time to collect himself, something like that. On the way, he finds a tattered-looking rose bush clinging to a chain link fence, and, finding it strangely touching, gets lost admiring it for a little while. With a quiet "merci" to the plant for its sacrifice, he severs the stem of the finest bloom.

He's still holding it when he knocks on Armand's door. )

text; un: armand

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