{ video } ; un: elfuegobandito

[bitchndiagnosis]

[ The video feed opens on a medium shot inside of an apartment. Straight down the barrel of the lens shows the middle of the living room. There is a brown suede couch that sits at the back of the wall. A mahogany coffee that stands right in front of it. On top of said coffee table is a paper cup with a plastic top lid.

There is silence for about two beats before someone’s voice speaks out from behind the camera. ]

Has anyone seen The Matrix?

[ An audible thump of a rubber stump, hitting against wooden flooring before it reveals a walking cane, then the source of the voice. Dr. House enters the shot, gripping the head of the cane in one hand, and a scrap of paper in the other. ]

“Denial is the most predictable of all human responses!” Or something like that. I was in it more for the guns and tight leather!

[ He wiggles his brows, settling himself on the couch. His cane leans against the arm of the seat. ]

And here I was hoping my delusions would’ve at least upgraded my television to HD. Too much fuzz around Keanu Reeve’s bee-hind.

[ Ah, well. C’est la vie. You might ask yourself, “Who is this man?” or “What’s his deal?” Well, let’s get on to brass tax — ]

Which brings me to my next question: How does a medical doctor find themself in an unnamed city with no hospital in sight? [ A beat. Brows raised. ] Now I really know my psyche is messing with me. Wished for my clinic hours to go away, but they’ve taken all the fun stuff away? That doesn’t sound like me at all.

[ He shakes his head while donning the fakest wry smile. ]

Ah, well. Really hope no one gets seriously injured. That’d be a darn shame.

[ With that, he grabs the head of his cane and jabs the device. The feed doesn’t go off. Rather, the device falls back with the camera lens facing the ceiling. ]

Oh, you’re going in the dumpster first thing in the morning.

Comments

Point!

[abit_ofboth]

[Loki laughs outright now, no longer attempting to hide his amusement. This man is being a clown without the make up and Loki is convinced he's one of his rare followers. Whether the man is aware of that or not is a completely different story.]

I see. I will take that as always bullshit then. Entertaining, but still bullshit. Tell me, are you a clown where you come from?

[bitchndiagnosis]

[ You make one little post on a network forum and suddenly you’ve got a bunch of weirdos in silly hats trying to out-snark you. ]

Ah, jeez! [ He throws an exaggerated hand up in the air. ] You caught me red-nose’d. How’d you know my secret identity? I was just thinking about my next presentation too: Balloon Animals and Appendicitis — Which one is more bendy?

[ Ah, well. Back to the drawing board in his little clown car. ]

My turn — Does everyone have bad hair in your neck of the woods? Or is it just you?

[ Boom. Roasted. ]

[abit_ofboth]

[The more the man goes on, the more Loki is entertained. He thinks maybe it’s starting to annoy him, but that just makes this all the better. Loki has been in this man’s shoes more times than he can count. Angry, annoyed, somewhere you don’t know and don’t want to be with a bunch of people you think are idiots. It’s like every one of Thor’s victory parties on Asgard.

It is really very interesting to see this from the other side.]

Oh, you are just jealous because I have hair.

[As Loki speaks it is clear he is neither offended by the comments nor against playing just as dirty. You are on tiny mortal, you are on.]

[bitchndiagnosis]

Ah — yah! As if.

[ The tone of his voice hits those notes of Valley Girl, but the delivery is as dry as the Sahara Desert. ]

Chicks dig the curls. Gives me that soft, innocent lamb essence behind all this manly gruffness.

[ A man in his mid-40s having a schoolyard diss fight with a god online? Yeah. That sounds about like a typical Thursday for House. ]

Put that in your greasy bullshit detector and smoke it.

[abit_ofboth]

I suppose I cannot blame you for not noticing. It is clear you have not looked in a mirror for some time. And even if you had, that spot on the back of your head would likely have blinded you.

[Loki is having far too much fun with this. He hasn’t had such a fun sparing partner in too long.]

Oh yes, I’m sure they loved running their hands through your hair… 30 years ago when you still had it.

Aww, I am sorry, do you not enjoy it when people can see through your act? I know how hard that can be.

[bitchndiagnosis]

[ From the exterior, there’s not a single twitch of face muscle. Internally, however, House is eye-rolling to the heavens. The hair thing hits a small sore spot, but that’s only because House clings onto those few remaining fibres of his youth for sanity’s sake. ]

If I knew I was going to receive this much projection, by a total stranger no less, I would’ve gone to the movies.

[ You don’t get this deep into a call with some random person because of their bald spot. If House were a betting man, there is a good chance that Loki is enjoying this whole exchange because he likely does the same thing.

That or he has a fetish for bald spots. ]

At least I’d have a shot at seeing some cleavage on a bigger screen. And their name.

[abit_ofboth]

[Loki can see no response from the man, but he’s of a similar mind that if he were truly bothering him, he likely would have hung up on him already. No, Loki is fairly sure they are enjoying this equally as much.]

Ah, I guess we can always sense our own.

[Loki is fully smirking now. He doesn’t care if this man knows he’s entertained. He’s hardly trying to hide it anymore.]

I do believe the video store rents such productions, if you are so desperate.