Video | UN: Ouroborosed -- Subject: AMA

[inlovewithmycar]

[Crowley flips on the camera before sitting back in an office chair in his usual slouch. Behind him is the backdrop of one of the labyrinthine office buildings, the shades of beige and grey a sharp contrast to his black clothes and red hair. There is a peculiar tension about him, something about the way he's square his shoulders, and the considerable supply of unopened bottles next to him suggests there is some need for the liquid courage.]

Right then. The mall here, yeah? Only marginally worse than the normal kind. And hey, at least we'll never have to deal with the Boxing Day rush, eh?

...That'd be analogous to Black Friday for all you Americans. I don't know if there's a Canadian equivalent. Never stuck around long enough to find out. Saw a moose once and decided that place could just be someone else's problem.

[He shuffles uncomfortably.]

Okay. Yeah. Enough small talk. Time to rip the bandaid off.

[Deep breaths, Crowley.]

So the thing I was worried about happening? ...Happened. For the exact reason and in the exact way I thought it would happen. I'm sure I'll look back and laugh about it one day, but right now I'd like to get ahead of it happening again. No more fun little surprise exorcisms. At least none that I won't see coming.

So, here we go. Let's get this over with.

I'm a literal demon from literal Hell - yes that one - and their former operative of Earth, presently retired.

Ask me anything.

[He's already popping the top off the tequila. He's going to need it.]

Comments

[inlovewithmycar]

If he really is stuck here like the rest of us and just keeping his head down, then it stands to reason he's de-powered too. Doesn't mean he isn't harmless, but he's going to have to deal with human things like hunger and fatigue. Not a big deal for my friend and me, we've been on Earth ages and have adopted a few habits. But human weaknesses would be a nightmare for him. Plus being outnumbered and outmatched would probably keep him in line.

Those mannequin things though... they may not be demonic -- I have no idea what they are -- but they were definitely trying to get under people's skin. Makes sense they'd use the same tactics on you. Maybe even to a similar end; break down one's mind and will. Big question is why though.

[matermali]

I know why Lucifer wishes for my submission. If someone else desires the very same, then—

[ Silence for a few paces too long. ]

I was warned of another, that Satan was not the only one to hunt me, but...I can't recall...

[ Her mind is not entirely in one piece, unfortunately. ]

[inlovewithmycar]

[It's terrifying how much they have in common. The way she says she can't recall suggests it's no mere slip of the mind. Something on par with Satan also nipping at your heels is not just something you forget.

Crowley knows what it is to realize that your own memory has been tampered with in ways you can never reconcile. Parts of your life just ripped away and you'll never know until it's too late.

There's that worried furrow of his brow, his thin mouth turned down.]

Is it something missing that shouldn't be, or is it something covered up so that it's just obscured...?

[matermali]

Obscured? [ Yes. ] No, I don't think so... I don't know if I ever heard the name.

[ Just like that, it's easy enough for those dark suspicions to fade to a white haze. There's plenty more to think about. ]

Whoever it is, should they have the same desires as Lucifer, then why bring you into this? The others?

[ No offense, you're all fantastic, really. ]

And why would they limit me? They must hope for the spread of chaos, so then why lessen our ability to bring such destruction?

[inlovewithmycar]

Destruction and chaos...

These things pursuing you back home want you to bring about the end times...?

...I don't think they're the same as whatever or whoever brought us here.

[matermali]

So it has been said, but I don't know why it is me they pursue.

[ What isn't foggy in that head of hers? Or perhaps her denial is just That Good. ]

And if not them, then what are we now to this new puppet-master? I have never been anything but myself. It is all I have, and now this captor has taken even that away. From the pieces left over by their whim, they mean to carve something new to set upon their stage. Not a person, but a creature.

[inlovewithmycar]

Hazarding a guess, but could it be something to do with the fact you can, even weakened, launch an occult entity twenty feet out of a closet? Not for nothing, but most humans can't do that sort of magic. And I've met proper witches over the years, not just the poor sods various inquisitions visited all sorts of creative instruments of torture on. You're sort of a one-in-a-million deal.

Do you feel like you're losing yourself here? Specifically? Or is that something that's been going on for a while?

[matermali]

[ Her sigil alone had never done that before...but then she'd never cast out that protection while a demon was within it. That's sort of the point, after all—avoiding that. Perhaps it's a good thing it didn't turn him inside out or whatever would have happened had this been back in England. Crushed to death would be minutely more merciful. Lucky the door was there at all.

'One-in-a-million' isn't a compliment to Vanessa. All it actually means is 'alone'. She is also no witch, but she can offer no other word to replace it with. ]

...It's true that have always only ever been myself, but— [ A reformed demon might have advice for possessions. ] But that self is...sometimes my other self, so then I go away. But I am still here. Still me.

[ He really shouldn't dig any further, if this nonsense speak is any clue. ]

But when the door is left open, others come to visit.

[inlovewithmycar]

[He's read and, though he'll never admit it, written enough poetry to see the broad strokes of the metaphor she's painting.]

Another self...? So you but not you?

[He'd... felt it, back then. He'd been too panicked to really understand it, but there had been not-quite-another crushing, oppressive presence.]

Who comes visiting when you open the door?

[matermali]

[ If anyone ought to be warned, it's perhaps Crowley himself.

Her voice is much softer, but even softness still grates like every word before has already scratched her throat raw. ]

So many, but...they only follow after him. He holds the door open, your former master. I have never been able to keep it shut for very long.

[inlovewithmycar]

What we need --

What we need

-- is a metaphorical change of latch and key for this metaphorical door of yours to keep your suitor and his obnoxious mates out. Maybe throw in a metaphorical restraining order as well.

Any rules to this little game of his that you know about...?

[matermali]

I don't know. He has only ever made one thing clear: that I must be complicit. Not must be— have been.

[ What's the point of changing the locks when they can still be turned from within? ]

He may keep the door open for as long as he's able, but I think...I am the one to have always opened it. And so I tell you this only to warn you, should he make himself known.

[inlovewithmycar]

Is it you opening the door or the other you?

[matermali]

[ Yes. ]

I can't remember.

[ Sighing, knowing she isn't being helpful, but doesn't know how else to say it. Miss Ives is getting exasperated, and it's carried in more frantic pacing of tone. ]

I don't know. There is too much I have never understood. For all else that I have seen, I can only see darkness now when looking ahead. Something in this place knows that, and it must know something of you that it can use. Our sins have followed us here to become manifest.

[inlovewithmycar]

Don't overdo it, Vanesssa. You're trying to recall the way you would with a normal memory right? Looking at where you know something should be?

It... doesn't really work like that. You're just gonna give yourself a headache.

[matermali]

I'm not certain where to look.

And you can't know how any of this 'works'. Has this place not already torn apart enough of what you thought you once knew?

[inlovewithmycar]

Once upon a time, I thought there was no way asking a few questions could be enough to rip me from "Unconditional Love".

[Heavy quotes gesture there.]

Having everything I thought I once knew torn to pieces is just another Tuesday afternoon for me at this point.

But I think you can assume I know a thing or two about sin, given I'm the one who kicked off that whole debacle to begin with.

[matermali]

[ Oh must he remind her. That's one thing she truly does want to forget, it's so much more horrible to know.

But she is familiar with losing everything, more than once. ]

Anyone else in my position would likely hate you for that, you know.

[ Haha, 'anyone else' in her position. ]

...Do you not believe unconditional love can exist?

[inlovewithmycar]

In my defense, I was gunning for some mischief, not for getting the two of them booted out of the garden.

And no. Not in any capacity that isn't vague and distant and all but meaningless.

The real thing, the one that's worthwhile? Takes time. And work. And trust. And there are boundaries and limits and stupid, pointless arguments that just go in circles, and all of it is all so very worth it because you get to see that person at their best and at their worst and everything in between and you want to spend the rest of your existence with them. And -- well, you get the point. The regular kind of love completely curb-stomps the divine, unconditional sort.

[matermali]

[ She truly can't tell if that's hopeful or even more depressing. ]

If you love them at their best and still adore them at their worst, no other boundaries ought to matter. To be be loved entirely, as your true self, is that not unconditional in itself? Is that not anyone's greatest desire?

Anything less would mean to ignore a part of yourself, to hide it away. That ache left behind can be ceaseless.

[inlovewithmycar]

But that's the thing. The conditions do matter. But they're all there, out in the open.

Don't put in the time or work? You'll drift apart. Keep breaking their trust? You'll split up.

And all of that means showing your true self. Or selves. Because people are complicated and all. But also finding reasons to be the best version of yourself too.

It's not unconditional, but it's not transactional either. More... reciprocal. Like a dance. I think.

[matermali]

And if you are already the best version of yourself? If you can be no better?

What then?

[inlovewithmycar]

Then that should be enough, shouldn't it?

[matermali]

Sometimes, Mr. Crowley, it is entirely too much.

[ Barely a sigh into her glass. This is the way of things. ]

And to love such a thing in return would be asking for too much.

[inlovewithmycar]

Well, that was painfully relatable. I'm pretty sure getting wine-drunk and binging Journey albums isn't a healthy coping mechanism, but you know what, I still recommend it.