Video | UN: Ouroborosed -- Subject: AMA

[inlovewithmycar]

[Crowley flips on the camera before sitting back in an office chair in his usual slouch. Behind him is the backdrop of one of the labyrinthine office buildings, the shades of beige and grey a sharp contrast to his black clothes and red hair. There is a peculiar tension about him, something about the way he's square his shoulders, and the considerable supply of unopened bottles next to him suggests there is some need for the liquid courage.]

Right then. The mall here, yeah? Only marginally worse than the normal kind. And hey, at least we'll never have to deal with the Boxing Day rush, eh?

...That'd be analogous to Black Friday for all you Americans. I don't know if there's a Canadian equivalent. Never stuck around long enough to find out. Saw a moose once and decided that place could just be someone else's problem.

[He shuffles uncomfortably.]

Okay. Yeah. Enough small talk. Time to rip the bandaid off.

[Deep breaths, Crowley.]

So the thing I was worried about happening? ...Happened. For the exact reason and in the exact way I thought it would happen. I'm sure I'll look back and laugh about it one day, but right now I'd like to get ahead of it happening again. No more fun little surprise exorcisms. At least none that I won't see coming.

So, here we go. Let's get this over with.

I'm a literal demon from literal Hell - yes that one - and their former operative of Earth, presently retired.

Ask me anything.

[He's already popping the top off the tequila. He's going to need it.]

Comments

un: hidden | audio

[matermali]

[ Oops, is she the thing that happened, or did he have a very busy week? ]

Are you certain that announcing such things will bode well for you?

[inlovewithmycar]

Bodes better than it coming as a surprise. People tend to whip out the crosses and holy water first and ask questions later.

un: TeslaCoils | text

[codenametesla]

The... bombshell of literal demons, and I assume, angels actually existing aside..

What do you mean retired?

[inlovewithmycar]

In my case, it's a fancy word for 'fired'. No longer with the organization, so to speak.

I just happened to have a comfortable existence on Earth to settle into rather than an eternity mucking out the dung pits.

video; un: Hob

[100more]

[Well, he's not entirely sure what to think at first.]

Did you say there was an exorcism?

[inlovewithmycar]

Yes and it was very unpleasant. I'd like to clear the air to avoid any reruns.

Anything else I need to repeat or did you get all that?

un. dimitri.

[stubboarn]

You are quite jovial for a demon.

Is there some kind of regional rivalry amongst these Canadians and Americans you speak of?

[inlovewithmycar]

That's me. Jolly old Crowley. Heigh ho.

Regional rivalry? Not since 1812, I reckon. At least not outside of hockey tournaments?

text; un: thefool

[mollymocks]

demon or devil?

[inlovewithmycar]

Let me guess; there's some difference between the two where you're from?

The terms for me are interchangeable. But I prefer demon. Devil conjures the image of red tights, pointy shoes, horns and pitchforks.

video; un: louis

[deathoftheauthor]

( There's a few silent seconds of bewildered, skeptical staring even after Louis turns the video on. )

What does it mean for a demon to retire?

( It isn't the most pressing theological question he has, but he honestly doesn't know where to begin. )

[inlovewithmycar]

Same thing as it means for anyone with not-so-gainful employment to retire. I'll tell you, the severance package is rubbish. I might have to leave a nasty review on Glass Door.

video ❀ un: avidya

[wreatharrow]

Is announcing what you are really all that important?

[ Look, it's not like Tighnari knows what a demon is. He can't be the only one out there. This seems to be targeting a certain audience, really.

Or a way to feel self-important. In his opinion. ]

[inlovewithmycar]

I do like not being launched through doors by anti-demonic jiggery pokery because of a misunderstanding, so to summarize; yes.

text ↪ un: savagestarlight

[pundemic]

Dude.

（ yes she will call bullshit, in fact. ）

[inlovewithmycar]

Surprise.

un: korielxiii; audio

[bisection]

A demon. I do not believe we have those. [ The mutated damned? Yes. Demons? Not quite. ]

What is an exorcism? Does it hurt?

[inlovewithmycar]

Lucky you. We're a very nasty bunch. Smelly too.

And yeah, it's a bit like being hit by a truck. You have those, don't you? If not, it's like being hit by a very small train. And if that's after your time too, maybe run over by an out-of-control chariot...?

video; un: d.larusso

[miyagimagic]

.. So the whole "immortal" thing wasn't you being drunk, huh.

[ Especially since Daniel can see those bottles now, yes, but they're unopened. And despite the sheer ridiculousness of the words coming out of Crowley's mouth, they do sound a whole lot more coherent than they did when they spoke before.

Even if the news he's declaring about himself is still hard for Daniel to wrap his mind around all the same. But he's trying. At least it helps that he was doing the same thing last time around - gives his mind a bit of a head start on the concept. ]

[inlovewithmycar]

Nope. Besides, I'm perfectly coherent when I'm drunk. Might get my metaphors mixed, but that's hardly important.

Text | UN: Loki

[abit_ofboth]

A demon you say? Well, that sounds interesting at least. I suppose that explains a lot about our previous conversations. I must admit, before arriving here I did not believe your kind really existed, which I suppose is fair since many do not seem to think I exist either.

Tell me, other than being kicked out of Valhalla, what does being a demon entail?

[inlovewithmycar]

For all intents and purposes, I don't think demons exist in every universe present. Or if they do, it's not always in the same way we do in my world. Multiverse theory playing merry hell on people's perceptions and whatnot.

As for what it entails; nothing pleasant. Falling is supposed to be a punishment. Wouldn't be much of one if it was all sunshine and rainbows now, would it?

Downstairs offices are, well, disgusting. There's even a dung pit. Don't ask how there's a dung pit when none of us actually shit, it's just there. Leaky pipes full of mystery fluids. Endless slogs of paperwork. Crowded halls full of malformed entities. Body odor which, again, is a puzzle given we don't actually need bodies. And everyone is miserable and unpleasant.

It's a mess but not in any of the fun ways.

[Video] un: Capsulecorp

[fashionably_strong]

I've heard there's a different Hell for every planet with sentient life. Is that true?

[inlovewithmycar]

Not in my universe. There's just the one as far as I can tell, but I haven't really been out the solar system proper since my harp and halo days. So I've had a proper look around. Who knows what other little side projects the Almighty was up to without us knowing? She is, theoretically, all-powerful. And worse is that She's got a sense of humour. Could be anything out there.

video; un: yomiko

[blackwaterchild]

That's fun.

So are you like, a big hotshot demon, or a paper-pusher?

[inlovewithmycar]

Neither. Well, between 1827 and 1862 they stuffed me in Acquisitions, but that doesn't count.

I was in Temptations; specifically their operative on Earth. And before you get any funny ideas, it was much less From Russia With Love and a lot more The Spy Who Came in from the Cold.

text; un: nill

[culver]

you do not look like a demon

[inlovewithmycar]

Yeah, that comes of having decent hygiene and a penchant for not dressing like an 18th century French revolutionary.

Except for when I was in 18th century revolutionary France. But, you know. When in Rome.

Or France, as the case was.

not here; pretend this was not here when it happened instead of two weeks late with Starbucks

[keepgodwaiting]

[ Welp.

Does this require her to re-examine any assumptions about the universe?



Naaaah. ]

[inlovewithmycar]

[Go on, Jo, you know you want to start asking yourself the hard questions now.]